saabnet’s Neighborhood

all lit up for the holiday/sun setting at 3:30 season

Enlightened Bicycle

snow caps


Originally uploaded by Karen Lynnn

We had tickets to go home to PA for our annual Christmas party. The week before we left, my Aunt Joyce got an obstructed bowel and had to have emergency surgery. That surgery was do or die, no choice in the matter but what happened after wasn't good either.

When she woke up she started pulling the tubes out and they had to sedate her so she wouldn't do that. They kept her in a medical coma for a few days and then let her wake up. There seemed to be a glimmer of hope for a little while, but it wasn't to be.

Michael and I arrived in PA on Wednesday night around 9pm until we arrived at my mothers house. We were going to head for the hospital in the morning. At 9am Thursday we got the call from my uncle Richard. She was gone.

The last day or two she was in hospice care. Hospice seems to help the family, the living, just as much as the dying.

Friday night it started snowing and didn't stop until Saturday night. Thank goodness it didn't blow. No one would have gone anywhere. Leola got a good 10 inches I think. I didn't measure ;)

rest in peace Aunt Joyce, I am going to miss you

She's ninety and it's hard for her to see. Glaucoma has made her world blurry and the only way she can look at her gossip magazines is with a lighted magnifying glass. The glass can't help her to read though, those days are over.

Her nails bother her and the kids joke that she shouldn't let me near them - I cut everything too short.  But she does want me near them and she asks if I will trim them for her. I'm nervous about this, the last thing I want to do is injure her and I don't have my reading glasses with me. I'm at the stage where I can still read my watch and a menu without glasses,  but I won't sign a contract without them and I probably shouldn't pull out splinters or go after eyelashes unless they're on. I really should start to carry them with me.

Glasses or no, she wants me to help her, and I can't say no. I pick up her cosmetics bag and find her nail trimmer and nail file. "Do I have an emery board?" she asks doubtfully. Yes, sweetie, I've got it.

I gently pick up one hand and cut the end of the nail, careful not too cut it too short. She tests the length against another finger, then her cheek. "That's perfect." Carefully, slowly, I cut and file the rest of them.

Together we examine the polish and decide her nail color is still pretty - no need to repaint. She feels all of her fingertips one by one and thanks me in a more heartfelt manner than I deserve. This chokes me up a little. Small pleasures. Small gifts. Little things that matter.

At the airport, I am overcome with the same feeling I always get when I leave her. What if this is the last time we see each other? Have I made her feel loved enough? Does she know how much she matters to us?

Cassandre starts to tear up at the airport, looking at a carved stone heart "made in Utah." She wants it to remind her of this trip. To remind her of her great-grandmother. I remind her that she'll be back next month, she'll see her again soon. She nods solemnly and asks me again to please buy her the necklace. She promises to pay me back. (Who could ask for the money?)

At home Cassandre picks up the ancient candlesticks my grandfather sent to my grandmother from England right before he was shot down and killed over Germany in WWII. I am responsible for taking care of these precious memories, but I have not washed them lately and they are tarnished and dirty. Cassandre wants to clean them and together we take them apart, piece by loving piece. We wash and dry each one, noting where the silversmith has encoded "A" "B" "C" and "5" "6" "7" so we know exactly which part goes back where. Soap and water make good progress, but not enough. We buy some polish to bring the shine back.

It makes us feel connected to do this work. Hands on labor to restore some dignity to something so precious. We don't try to make it perfect, just better.

Sometimes technology empowers me. Things work smoother and faster and I can write, connect, watch, create and generally do and be more, as result of magic of technology.

Then there are times when technology thwarts me at every turn. Things break, slow down or just become ridiculously complicated. When that happens, technology can suck the energy out of just about every task big and small.

After months of everything working relatively smoothly, I seem to find myself thwarted by machines, captive to electrical conundrums, bogged down by bad connections and generally wading through the muck of technology gone wrong.  

The Television Has Fallen Ill

The televisions have had memory cards replaced, firmware upgrades and new panels installed. The cordless phones have taken to randomly deciding to let me know who's calling or not, as it pleases them. The programmable thermostat seems to want to decide for itself when the heat should go full blast or completely off. Bulbs in my bedroom and the backyard refuse to power up and provide light. My Blackberry's trackball has developed a sluggishness and a stickiness that makes me suspect that some of that nasty green goo from Ghost Busters is oozing just behind the faceplate.

But the most vexing problems are with my computer and its relationship to programs and the Internet. It's slow. Really realley sl-o-o-o-o-o-o-w. Which is maddening enough, but it loses things. It forgets things. It doesn't want to connect to sites and people it should connect to. It misbehaves, acting like it doesn't care to help me do the things I need and want to do. This defiant, sluggish laptop was purchased in May of this year.

Can You See The Ghost In The Machine?

I've tried all the usual (but not extreme) remedies that those of us with an above average comfort level with personal technology know to do in these situations. I've tried them two and three times or more.

It might be time for more drastic measures. But before I go that far, one of my business partners offered up his "Technology Cleansing Ritual".

I think it might be worth a shot.

When you are in the snowy cold of Minnesota, take your laptop, remove any jewelry and do the following:

 

1.       Gather freshly cut parsley and place it in a pan of distilled water. Let it soak for nine minutes. Sprinkle the water throughout the house while visualizing a calm environment.

2.       Go outside, face Seattle and chant the following: I will uphold the Redmond creed. High in spirit, I shall succeed. Power of the Elements Five, will help my data stay alive. From grains of earth to the moving air, past the burning fire that magic flares, flow with water, lakes, and streams; around the spirit's aura and dreams.  Keep my karma high aloft and let me play with Microsoft.

3.       Avoid eating any liver or organ meat for one month.

 

You should be good to go!

J  

Tweets From The Accidental Space Tourist

I've never flown before and I'm all for security, but this showing up
two days early thing is ridiculous

WORST SECURITY SCREENING EVER. Exhausted. Do they expect me to carry
the plane in case of emergency? Thank God for Zumba at the Y

@danielleNYC I'm headed to Star City

@danielleNYC No, I mean literally - it's a township in Russia

If they want to bring prices down they'll have to fit more than six
people in the plane. At least there won't be any crying babies

@danielleNYC I'm sure the travel agent knew what I was talking about

Tweeple, please disregard my earlier endorsement of Hastings Executive Travel.

@GODDAMNEVERYONE YES I GET IT NOW YOU CAN STOP SENDING ME LINKS

@porterMD Yes I did notice the ticket price was high. I thought it was
a package deal

@porterMD hotel, tours, that sort of thing

@charliejr Well she wouldn't be a "mail-order" bride if I met her in
person, so you can shut up now

Everyone says @richardbranson is a great guy. Apparently he is a
"great guy" that doesn't believe in refunds.

@danielleNYC no, I don't want to be set up on a date with your sister
again after what happened last time

No iPhones allowed on board so no updates for a bit

That was like carrying a sofa on my face while hurtling through a wind
tunnel followed by 5 minutes of "Fascinating Puke Experiments"

@danielleNYC No, that was referring to the date. The flight was amazing!

Watch this stunningly beautiful, breath-taking vision of Picasso's anti-war masterpiece Guernica animated by Lena Gieseke.

Serves as my reminder to choose fear's opposite

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

“This is one of the miracles of love: It gives a power of seeing through its own enchantments and yet not being disenchanted.”

It's funny because it has been a long time since I've written on here. And due to some of my interactions I quit on the SBM series I intended to write. I just don't care to help if you don't care to help yourself. But that's just why I'm posting. I'm back to not caring again. Things were so good for so long and obviously I didn't need to blog about my feelings. Funny thing is this is the only safe place for me to deposit my feelings. I can't talk to anyone I know because they treat me like the thoughts I have are foreign and perverse. I can't help it that I feel completely out of place in life and believe in very few things. That is me, and as such I have different view on life. What I wouldn't give to feel at home just one time in my life. I'll correct that last statement. In my adult life, I would love to again feel the completeness and normalcy that I did as a child. It's been a long time since I felt comfortable, safe, loved and wanted. I've given up trying to have any type of traditional relationship with a woman as I see now that it is impossible for me to do with any genuineness. I've either become completely hollow on the inside and incapable of true emotion or nobody has tapped into what's there in a long time. I don't know. All I do know, is that I'm tired of feeling alone in the world. Nobody gets me, nobody even tries or pretends to listen. This last woman pushed me over the edge. I tried to learn about her but she never once tried to find out anything about me. She just wanted to be physical. I don't get it. Why are people not pursuing genuine intimacy and instead settling for physical intimacy? There's more to life than sex. So much more! I just want to have a connection with someone and I'm starting to feel that I'm incapable. I'm weary from it all. I just want to lay down and dream of a better world than the one I inhabit. But for now, I've gotten my feelings out and that's a start. Hopefully it won't get to where it was before when I was utterly depressed but I'm definitely not happy. Thankfully nobody reads this and it's a safe place for me to exhale my thoughts and emotions. Thank goodness there's at least one place I can turn for sanctuary. It's just more than a little sad that's it's always cyberspace.